The lights were on but no-one was home, I walked around the empty Elephants Head in Gravesend calling out but it was clearly deserted and I felt it would be rude to serve myself. I took a wander round the back and even watched a bit of boat racing on the telly but, despite waiting in vain, still no-one showed. I decided to kill a little time by answering the call of nature and it was only as I walked out of the gents, which I noted was equipped with an all-seeing eye, I literally bumped into the barmaid. She too had been visiting the facilities so we made our way back to the bar together where…